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Lair of Memories – Archived Post December 6, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Monday, December 06, 2004
*~”Welcome, Make yourself At home” Is what i hear but is it real?~*As usual around the hollidays most peoples families have gatherings, for once in such a really long time, way too far off for me to remember, my family had a gathering. For thanksgiving. I myself ask that question “What am i really thankful for?” and i think of it in depth, this is for all my friends out there and even enemies… this is my thought on what im thankful for..

Im thankful to see you all standing there smiling and having fun,
Im thankful to see that everyone is visible and not in my mind,
Im thankful to have people around me who are wanting to be there for me in the long run,
Im thankful that that its real this time.
Im thankful because everyone really does care,
It doesnt matter if they say they don’t,
Its the fact that they stand there watching from a distance,
But in the end they may deny, that they won’t.
Im thankful for everyone even if they hate me,
Because they contributed to who i am and who im gonna be,
I dont see it any different if its hate or love,
Its the fact that they notice you and single you out,
In the end its that they want to change something about you,
Sometimes its for the better and thats what im talking about.
Im thankful for those who show they care unknowingly,
The ones who are silent and don’t really speak,
Because they break their barrier to prove a point to show what you look like in their eyes,
And sometimes that can be the thing to help boost you over the peek.
I myself could say im thankful for alot,
Because i know for a fact i, myself, didnt get out alone in the drought.
Even if it isnt clear theres always someone watching in the distance,
In the morning light, the darkness at night, no one is or ever will be alone.
And that, my friends, is what im thankful for.. Im thankful for You..

I just kept that in my mind and personally thought as well, “Do my family members all apreciate the fact that they arent alone too..?” and when i went to the gathering i saw it in the eyes of most of the people there, my relatives, they were different that day, they were thankful for everyone being in existance. Though i do have to admit, there were a couple members who stood off to the side and didnt get close or talked, they just kinda plopped themselfs in a corner and stood there and that kinda got to me. It made me think about why they even came if all they were gonna do was be selfish and resent certain family members even after other members (like a couple who got divorced in the family and both still came to the gathering with respect and had fun among family members, they werent fighting or anything like in past gatherings, this time it was a bit different, almost everyone seemed humble) put aside their problems to enjoy themselves. Meh im really sorry but one specific member really stands out to me, i wont mention who she is (though that she is female and an aunt) but she really didnt need to act like that, she seemed so fake.. It made me think of my childhood with this person and to tell you the truth, she wasnt really too good of a person back then than she is now even though she did change a bit. No matter how many times she could appoligize it wont change the fact that the appoligies are quite fake like her behavior and i feel insulted by it since its her Family. I personally dont feel she will give a truthful appoligy about anything that has to do with family since she didnt seem to comfortable with her husbands side (being the side i was born into, my mother is his sister so his wife is a person whos married into the family) but she expects everyone else to be comfortable with her side of the family. I can tell my uncles blood realitives (being his children and siblings) arent too comfortable with his wifes family since they seem to force themselves on them. Its sad really.. i dont hate them, i just wish they would understand.. but other than that minor problem in my eyes everyone was happy, especially my grandfather. For the first in a very long time in his life (and it hurts me cause he may die soon..) he saw all his grandchildren together. But we are all “grown up” now. He really looked like he was gonna cry, and the smile on his face was priceless.. it made me want to cry too. Out of all the gatherings i ever had gone to (which wasnt many because the family is kinda spread out for a purpose) this i would have to say was one which will stay in my heart..

*~”It was nice seeing you, have a good night!” is what i heard when it drew later..~*
I personally feel nice sharing my thoughts with my friends, because all of you are a part of my life, no matter whom you may be. And i care, about every one of you in my own special way. No no im not trying to be mushy or anything but its true, it brings tears to my eyes to see that some people dont believe me when i say stuff like this but i respect the fact that they dont have to believe me. I just hope that one day they will understand its not fake, and nor am i..
{to end this heres a quiz i took, found it in kairis xanga >.>!}

Plain Sight
B:

Your Beauty lies in Plain Sight. Plain, simple and the girl next door. People tend overlook you as you are the
“normal girl”, but you’re actually very beautiful. And you have plenty about you to
set you apart, but more that lets you blend. People love the stability you have
because as others may come and go, you will always be there and you may always
be the same. You like simple things and that’s what people like about you. You
most likely enjoy things most consider normal, like movies, shopping, that sort
of thing and are very friendly and probably have many friends. You are sweet and
kind and that shows on you, but you’re also strong and not very naive. You’re a
rather well-rounded individual. Even though some people pass you off as
just another girl, shrug it off because they don’t know what they’re
missing.

Some Things That Represent You:

Element: Earth, Light Animal: Cat Color:
Pinks, Blues, Browns Song: Girl Next Door by Pilot Expression: Simple
Smile

Gemstone: Alexandrite Mythological Creature: Fox
Demon, Hobbit Planet: Jupiter Hair
Color:
Light Brown Eye Color: Brown

Quote: “To the world you may be one person, but to
one person you may be the world.”

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted 12/6/2004 1:23 AM
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Lair of Memories – Archived Post November 23, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
*~There are days in our lives when questions arise~*Survey

x\ spell your name backwards: epoH
x\ have you ever had a song written about you: Yeah, a few friends
x\ what song makes you cry: “Take on me”
x\ what song makes you happy: “Heaven”
x\ what’s your all time fav. song?: Hard to say i have a few..
x\ what do you listen to before you go to sleep: hm, Clasical music or a Ballad
x\ height: 5’6″ or 5’7″ unsure..
x\ hair color: Golden/Redish/Brown
x\ piercings: Earlobes pierced once.
x\ tattoos: None. I don’t like them xP!

Right Now . . .
x\ what color pants are you wearing: No pants.. Nightgown =o
x\ what song are you listening to: “Some Day One Day feat.-BoA (M-lfo)”
x\ what taste is in your mouth?: Sweet.
x\ whats the weather like?: A bit chilly..
x\ how are you?: Quite content, calm, Relaxed ^^
x\ get motion sickness?: Depends, but not often at all, its hard for me to
x\ have a bad habit?: Being stuborn xD
x\ get along with your parents?: Not Really..
x\ boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes I have a boyfriend.
x\ have a current crush: Yes.
x\ have a big regret: Many of them, but i feel that everything happens for a reason

Favorite . . .
x\ tv show: Animes >.>;;..
x\ conditioner: Some expensive conditioner, smells sweet..
x\ book: I like many books really..
x\ non alchohol drink: Coke, Vanilla Coke, Juice, Clear Sodas xD
x\ alchohol drink: I don’t drink.
x\ things to do on the weekend: Play random Games, talk on the phone

Have You Ever . . .
x\ broken the law: I have no idea o.o;
x\ ran away from home: Thought about it, couldent go through
x\ snuck out of the house: No, i was pushed out..
x\ ever gone skinny dipping: No, i never thought of it o.o;
x\ made a prank phone call: xD way too many to remember
x\ tipped over a portapotty: Ewww no…nasty.
x\ use your parents credit card: Yes, not frequently but often xD;
x\ skipped school before: Nope (im such a goody goody xP!!)
x\ fell asleep in the shower/bath: Yes, alot ^^;;
x\ been in a school play: I am personally unsure, i cannot remember ^^;;
x\ had a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes, and he is currently still here
x\ had children: o.0;…
x\ been in love: Yes, but Love is blind.
x\ have a hard time getting over someone: hm, not exactly since my first bf is still the one currently with me
x\ been hurt?: it’s part of life. But yes.
x\ gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days: O.o; weell noo.. thats a bit wrong

Random . . .
x\ have a job: Nopes..
x\ your cd player has what in it right now: My cd player is being owned by my mother atm so i dunno >.>;
x\ if you were a crayon, what color would you be?: “White”
x\ what makes you happy?: My bf, friends, doing things i want to do
x\ the next CD you’re going to buy: I dont usually buy CD’s anymore

When/What Was the Last . . .
x\ you got a real letter: Err, i think like last year on my birthday..
x\ got an email: i get those frequently, a real e-mail maybe like last month, random junk everyday
x\ thing you purchased: Chinese Books >.>;;
x\ Tv program you watched: i think it was Charmed o.o;
x\ movie you saw in the theaters: “National Treasure”
x\ kissed: …Never been kissed..
x\ hugged: My kitty
x\ song heard: Err i have a bad memory ._.;; but i think it was “Fly me so high (Remix)”
x\ place you were [ besides home ]: My Grandmothers House
x\ phonecall: Today, with my Bf
x\ you were depressed: Unsure..
x\ you were in the hospital: Last year, life or death situation

When/What Comes to Mind When You Hear . . .
x\ car: my father
x\ murder: Case Closed.
x\ cape: My bf in game xD;;
x\ cell: whos calling..?
x\ shoe: I cant find my shoes ^^;;
x\ fun: Personal time
x\ crush: *sigh*
x\ music: Calming Soul
x\ chalk: Drawing

~Hope <3

im saving this post, just adding to it cause i want to make my thanksgiving post totally separate, i will probably make that later on this week ^^ enjoy this survey i did, took a while to do


 *~Love me <3~*
Im such a weirdo XP xD…


*~Yes once again the Quizies xD~*Friend told me to take a suikoden quizie this was my result, and as shocking as it is, its kinda true O.o;.. most of my close friends were taken from me, quite sad, coincidence o.o;;.. Makes me kinda sad T.T;;

Soul Eater
You are most compatible with the Soul Eater. You have a lot of pain and sorrow inside of you, which at times may seem as though it is too much to bear. Even so, you never let it stop you, and press on in life. You have great abilities and talents, and as you were raised much was expected from you. You also have a sense of responsibility, both to your commitments and the people you care about, and will try to fulfill it regardless of your doubts and uncertainty. You probably wonder why your life turned out the way it did, and wish you could change something in it. The current owner of the Soul Eater is Tir McDohl. His best friend Ted, who had kept the rune for 400 years, asked him to take it so it could be protected from the Sorcerous Windy. After he aquired the rune, the destinies of the people closest to him were bent toward death, and the Soul Eater took the souls of Odessa, the leader of the Resistance, his loyal guardian and friend Gremio, his Father, and even Ted, who commanded the rune to take him, so he could be free from Windy’s control, who had captured him. When Windy later tries to take the rune from Tir, the rune itself refuses her as its master, and stays with Tir and protects him from her power. After the war, Tir declined the role of leadership, and instead wandered the land with Gremio, who was revived with the power of the collective 108 Stars. The Rune is said to be cursed, and its motives and nature are unclear. Although it is clearly a burden to the bearer, Gremio remarks that he did not believe the rune itself was evil. Its true power is also uncertain, although Leknaat warned Tir never to use the full power of the rune.
Which Suikoden True Rune Are You Compatible With?

brought to you by Quizilla

Your Love Life by lpfloatsmyboat
Name/username/nickname:
favorite color:
best physical quaility: everything!
best personality trait: outgoing
will you marry your bf/gf that you have now? yes!
when will you get married? February 19, 2012
your kiss is: passionate
People date you because: you’re kind
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I wanted to keep all quizies i did recently on the same page for now cause some people still wanted to take them as well soo im gonna try to keep them on a recent post just seperate them from older dates with bars..All of your friends are jealous and you know it. The boy is some romantic, he always can make a rose appear out of nowhere just to cheer you up. He often says you're his angel and%2
All of your friends are jealous and you know it.
The boy is some romantic, he always can make a
rose appear out of nowhere just to cheer you
up. He often says you’re his angel and always
knows how to make you blush a dark shade of
red.

What kind of boyfriend would you have?(with pics and obviously for girls^^)
brought to you by Quizilla

Love
You are Dha-shi-zhi! A female bodhisattva of Chinese Buddhism, whose
name means the Strongest. Through the power of
her love she managed to break the circle of
rebirth for everyone. In the heavenly paradise
the souls appear before her in the shape of
flowers.

Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


*~The New Side of Things~*Well i am still updating my site, i added a few more songs, put my birthday counter on top, made it so one of my custom made cursors can be used on the page ( and that cursor took a while to make too =x) and such. But im pretty happy on how its become ^^ wee continuance…

Posted 11/23/2004 10:29 PM

Lair of Memories – Archived Post October 16, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Saturday, October 16, 2004
*~Relaxation, the best feeling after being stressed~*Ah, well i can say all these long weeks of trying to study for this one major test again, i feel a bit better; maybe more so releaved. Sooo much stress within my mind kinda took over me and made me break down quite a few times; a bit of the cause of multiple things including Family, Friends, And normal things that can just stress you out for no reason ^^;;. After all thats all you can really expect in a world of great suffering and pain, after all Stress is both of those combined >.>; i feel it all waaayy too often. But eh its so-so to me now, I HOPE i am not saying im Used to it ._.;;; That would be quite bad, but oh well ^^; not much you can do but tough it out till the end and feel proud of yourself after you get it over with, then have a little fun whether it would be with friends or one you love ^^

Well i can say i feel alot better about everything now, since it feels like a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders. ^^; even though others still want to help me and i apreciate it, im sure i can hold it on my own, its only when the time i kinda break my back holding something like that cause it gets waaay too large >.>; then maybe i will ask for help ^^;; but i still apreciate all thats given even though it wasnt asked for, hehe. As for this post, im gonna cut it a bit short since i want to go refresh my mind and clear it of all that stress i had earlier, basically not remembering it or trying to forget it. ^^; the mall kinda helped clear the first part of it, now i need to relax and clear the last of it.

Mm, well then, i wish you all happiness and i hope you all dont get as stressed out as i was this past month ^^; i wouldent want pain to come upon you all, suffering isnt a fun thing nor is it a game, and i understand it since we all suffer everyday from things we dont even realize or notice. Anyways, enough of my rambling, Go have fun you all xP! Sayonara Minna-san. <3~

Posted 10/16/2004 1:50 PM

Lair of Memories – Archived Post September 15, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Wednesday, September 15, 2004
*~Life, is it a dream, a nightmare, or a fantasy?~*Mm.. Well then, its been a while since i posted again. Its about mid september i believe and everything is either going my way or is just plain horrible ^^;;
I mean, Stuff like this is supposed to happen right?.. Hm, maybe not >.>;;
as much as i can say i owe alot of thanks to several friends of mine, i will go down in a list. These people helped me through my rough times and told me i could succeed at anything i try and believe i can do. Yes a bit of a contribute to the main people, and i know there were others that helped me, im gonna try to list everyone i can, then we can move on to something else ^^;

Jennifer/Jenna: She helped me for years really ^^ one of my best friends that actually lives close to me. Im glad she kept my hopes up for everything and when i was sad she talked to me and helped find solutions even if she wasn’t so sure about it herself ^^; which would result in laughter. Who really wouldent want a friend to help them in their times of need? even if they are younger, it doesnt mean they cant help somehow ^^
Audery: As far as she lives and as long as we knew eachother, she too has tried to help me even though we dont talk often. She is one of the people on my “Best Friends” list and she deserves it alot, from all the pain we shared in the past to all the tears of joy we cried together when we saw eachother after 6 years. We shared alot of moments together and im grateful she still remembers and talks to me ^^ I thank her for helping me when we were younger and even helping me now when we are almost adults…
Sammy/Samantha: She too is on my best friends list, and like the last two, she stayed with me and helped me for so many years.. Even though i knew Audery for the most, i knew Sammy for the second most. When we met in 5th grade to now, she still remembers me as the same Hope, and is glad i never changed my personality ^^ Im glad shes doing well and she wishes me the best in all i am doing. Even as far as she lives, being a few states away, she still tries to keep in touch even though its hard, and i know it is ^^;; Im just glad and i hope soon when she comes back to visit, i can see that same smile on her face the same day she left.
Yami/Evan: Even though i dont really talk to him much anymore, he deserves credit for helping me too. With his care and kindness, which i doubt he would show much to any of his friends, he helped me when i was struggling. If i had any problem at all, minor or major, he always had some sort of positive solution to it. Even though he didnt make sense alot of times his solutions helped ^^;; Hehe, he was quite a crazy guy, but i still thank him ^^
Tins/Johnathan: Him, i need to thank ALOT. If it wasnt for “Tins” i would have been stuck in a very bad situation. In a way you can say he saved my life. Heh, he is quite knowledgable for his age, being 20 going on 21 this dec, Even though he can act crazy alot, he does have a serious side ^^; i need to talk to him again soon to thank him really, i hope he still uses the same s/n’s though. If i had the chance i would hug him and tell him thanks. Even now i could still use his advice and help ^^, so in a way you could say i miss talking to him. There isnt enough i could do to show how much i apreciate what he did to help me and how long he stood in the situation. Hes a true friend really ^^.. Domo Arigatou Gozaimasu Johnathan-oppa
Colo-san/Evan: Heh, even though hes a new friend of mine i have to thank him alot, even in his crazy ways xP. Hes a true best friend of mine and im glad we met really ^^ Hehe, even though he seems like crazy and funny alot of the time, there are times where he too can be serious, those times he helps alot and since we think similarly we can help eachother ^^ I apreciate him being there for me alot, Thanks alot Colo, i hope we will stay friends even on in the future ^^
Hangen: And lastly, the person i need to thank the most is Hangen. If it wasnt for him, i wouldent have believed in myself. He supported me and guided me through everything. He taught me so much, and showed me how much i really mean to him. Even though it took him a while to phrase everything, i know everything he told me came from his heart. Even now he wants to help me, and he wont give up until he sees im successful, even if it means putting his own life at risk. As much as i dont want him to mess up his future, i apreciate that hes still standing by me and nothing can ever make me think differently about him and his Promises to me. I wont doubt him because i know he wont leave me, and i know that through my hard times he Wants to share my pain and sorrow, so im not alone. Nothing in this world can ever express how much im thankful to him helping and caring for me. And im so glad i met him the way i did, i regret nothing. All that pain i felt in the past is gone, i dont care about it anymore. Im just glad it all came together the way it did, “Woa Ai Ni” ^^

*~Let our thoughts be at Rest~*i think i will end this entree with one of my various poems ^^.. this one i chose, is called “Moving On” it was also published in a book ect. yeah we all know the stories >.>;;..

-Moving on-
Just because we are moving on does not mean we will part,
Because forever we will stay and always be together..
We are always in eachothers hearts.
Forever we will be, always and forever for eternity,
I send you my love and good luck to you..
I say to all good-bye and fairwell,
Just you remember me sweet and kind as well,
Always remember me forever to tell.
So, Remember this so i tell you now,
Never ask when we will see eachother or how.
Just keep in mind that im thinking of you,
..and forever, till we go, i will stay in you…

Meh dont ask, i think its pretty crappy xD then again its pretty old. mm.. i will put one more poem of mine, one of love.

-The Endless Love Story, Between you and me-
As i look out at the dreary sky,
Feeling emotions i begin to cry,
The whispering wind and the lightning dancing with the clouds,
The tears upon my face and the thunder roaring loud,
Missing your voice as soft and calming like a lullaby,
Wondering if you feel the same at the same exact time,
Looking at the hidden stars in the sky,
Shinning so bright like your mystical eyes,
Watching the rain fall gracefully and slow,
Randomly expressing things i normally wouldent show,
Dreaming and thinking telling myself “i know..”,
Wondering what i would have done without you in my life,
To see myself with you and wish with all my might,
I was ment for you and you for me,
In this crazy world im glad everything came to be,
All the torture and pain that was done,
Things that made me wish that i could run,
I dont regret any of it at all,
Because now i have someones name i can call,
Whispers and taps upon my window as the storm continues on,
Seeing myself with you and waiting for the light at dawn,
And then i remember where i am,
Feeling a bit lonely as i stand,
Watching the time go by as i think of you,
Wishing there was something that i could really do,
Standing on my own knowing you are asleep,
Sighing and watching the rain wishing this moment i could keep,
Quietly i whisper in the night,
As the rain slowly dies and goes out of sight,
Something someone cannot comprehend,
Something i wish would never end,
Wanting to be with you and only you,
Forever in the turning tables of time that speak the truth,
But do not worry my dearest i shall be there soon,
That i say as i look to the soft light of the moon shinning through,
Smiling once more and giving one last thought,
Knowing my happiness will overcome this drought,
Walking to my bed and turning off the light as the rain had died,
Wiping away the tears that i had cried,
Laying down as i close my eyes making my mind blank and anew,
Saying in my mind repeatedly “Aishiteru…”

In Closing Poem..
*~Love is like a flower, it first begins to bud then
after time passes it blooms into something so beautiful
everything just seems like an illusion,
but then we come to realize that its more than we thought it could be or seem,
Love is an emotion we have had since we were born
but true love is shown and given only to the special
and the most precious person in our lives.
The only thing that a flower fails to represent is that
“love never dies” it is just best to remember and always cherish them,
the person you love, as if our lives depended on it. That way that
special someone will feel much more special and unique than anyone
in this world, because their special someone believes and feels the
same as they do but they also show it in the most special ways that
become very dear to them, and in time, that’s all that will matter.
The love between two is strong, too strong of a bond to be broken by
an ignorant or careless person because both believe in each other and
know that nothing can or will separate them. Thoughts deep within my
mind which can translate into three simple words that can be said in
any language, I Love You.~*

Out of the other poems i wrote, this was a more recent one with more emotion and i prefer this one more than most other poems i may have writen. ^^ well i have a few that i still think are pretty good. Anyways, thats it ^^ this is the end of this entree.. *Waves, as she fades slowly in the shining light of day, leaving a shimmering outline of her body as she always does, smiling*

Posted 9/15/2004 3:25 PM

Lair of Memories – Archived Post August 25, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Entertainment Room, Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Wednesday, June 09, 2004
*~Time Just Keeps Passing By..~*lol you guys know how much i love taking quizes ^^;; bare with meh!You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You’re the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you’re rare or that you cheated :P You’re
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend’s friends and be silly. You don’t
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You’re just happy
being around your boyfriend.What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by QuizillaMwee! o.o; lol… <.<;;;
Chocolate Pocky! You’re pretty normal actually.
Pretty blah, but still tasty, and you know how
to have a good time, even if those snobs out
there ARE riding around in their ferraris going
115 mph, chomping on those perverted banana
pocky.What Kind of Pocky are You?
brought to you by QuizillaMwee i love pocky xD… mm chocolate… >.>;;; ,(This picture makes my page scroll soo i finally decided to edit xD…)
You’re Element is Light. You are friendly, happy,
social, bubbly, and can brighten up any one’s
day. You are very kind and a real people person
because you have several friends (or atleast
should). You’re cheery nature makes you lovable
and your stunning looks are sweet and stand
out.What’s Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

I always get light xP lol…

HASH(0x88def90)
The day you went back to your house was the day you
made you final decision.. the on you want to be
with.. And you chose Ih’Kuaren. Although you
let Kirune-ra and Haiiro down, you still
remained close friends. Haiiro was recently
dubbed King og Hell (Satan was re-elected) and
is having a great time. Kirune-ra is attending
your school, but for some reason, they don’t
seem to mind him being a demon.. Ih’kuaren,
however, was turned back into an angel as soon
as you were given permission by God himself to
ask to. Ih’kuaren recently became a guardian
angel, and who is it he guards? You. The two of
you couldn’t be happier.

would an angel, demon, or pure evil fall for you 10 (final chapter)
brought to you by Quizilla

Woo i loved this long story quiz it was great xD aany ways i like the result ^^!

*~Its not the end already.. is it?~*

Well im sure you all are sick of me already xP, lol i know i know, i just had to say it o.o;; well anyways, im off to sleep now ^^! gimmie some feathers and orbs here ^^;!

Posted 6/9/2004 1:03 AM
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
*~Sometimes We Come Across Something Interesting~*Well i read this story and i thought i would share it with more people, its so sad and interesting, just sparks my mind really ^^; Hm i hope you enjoy it as much as i did, onward to the story =x!Here is the main website =x!! *Clicku!**~Story Time =x~*About four years ago, when life wasn’t so hard, and friends and good times
were all that really mattered…a young girl about 14 years of age lived
her life of simplicity. Her name was Leana. She was currently with someone
totally different from her, and not to mention, a pure heart breaker and
loser. But hey, life was good, she was young, and basically that didn’t
really matter. All that mattered was that she knew what it was like to feel
for a guy at that time, and to live her life of endless happiness with her
friends and family. One afternoon, she stood on the grassy hill after
school, embracing her so called boyfriend, Jerry. And at that moment, about
10 feet away, at the flag pole, stood a boy about two years older than
Leana by the name of James. He watched her gently hug her boyfriend, and
then slowly walk away, until he could no longer see her image. He never
knew what it was like to feel for anybody, however, a strange feeling
inside took over him. Something extremely unexplainable, and so confusing.
And he thought to himself,’One day, I just gotta meet her.’

“Hey James!” a boy called out. “why do you look all dazed off en stuff?”

“Ah nothin’ Jay, lets jes go home now,” James replied.

When James had arrived to Jay’s house, they sat down for some soda, and
James had totally gotten his mind off of that strange feeling.

“Damn, I forgot to go call my homegirl man. Can you hand me the phone
James?” Jay asked as he took a sip of his soda.

“Hello? May I please speak to Leana? This is Jay,” he asked.

Jay and Leana began to conversate, until he remembered to do some
chores..so he handed the phone to James.

“Here man, can you go talk to her for awhile? I gotta do some stuff for my
dad real quick?”

“Aight cool,” said James.

“Hello! Yeah hi this is James! Who’s this?”

“Oh, this is Leana,” she replied.

After that one conversation, Leana and James began to keep in touch with
phone calls everyday. Neither one of them knew what they looked like, or so
they thought. For James was totally clueless that that one girl he watched
from the flag pole the other day, was the very girl he was laughing and
talking with everyday. It had been weeks, and then months, and Leana and
James grew close, and told one another everything imaginable. And with this
bond, they became the best of friends. Still not knowing what they looked
like in person, James decided to visit Jay again after school, which of
course so happened to be the same school as Leana. James knew for a fact
that Leana went to that school, but still didn’t know what she looked like.
Till that day after school…

As James walked onto the campus, he stood by the same flagpole, and waited
for Jay. He watched the crowd of people, chatting about, and doing their
own thing, until he spotted that one girl he had seen that one afternoon.
He was so caught up by the way she carried herself, and how different she
seemed from the other girls. She was shy, mature, quiet, and simple. None
of that make up stuff all over her face. As he admired her, something
immediately caught his attention…

“Ey Leana, wassup!” a girl called out, walking towards the girl James was
admiring.

“Wassup?” she said with a grin on her face.

‘Oh my god! Could that be Leana? The girl I’ve been talking to on the phone
with?’ James said to himself. He was so surprised.

He walked up from behind Leana, and tapped her on her shoulder and quickly
turned around, pretending he didn’t do anything.

Disturbed as Leana could be said, “How rude!” And all James could do was
laugh…

He couldn’t believe that that girl he was so eager to meet, was the very
girl he had been talking to for quite awhile now…Leana.

He called her that day, and told her that he saw her. Leana was so
surprised.

“Oh that was you? That one guy who tapped me on the shoulder, huh?” she
laughed.

Inside, Leana and James felt something so weird, every time they talked and
every time they were apart. They felt something inside when they thought of
one another. But the feelings they felt, they let it pass, and denied it to
themselves, as if it were simply nothing. They wondered about these
feelings time to time, but never really tried to figure out what it meant,
or what it was. Leana and James told one another about their lives, their
fears, problems, and little infatuations over people every now and then,
but never the kept feeling inside for one another. One rainy day, Leana
called James up crying about losing Jerry. He comforted her so much, and
she felt so much better when he did. James was always there for leana, and
he never once let her down. That’s one thing she loved about him so much.
Not to mention, they were so much like one another, always making people
laugh, and always making each other happy. Some say that these two were
exactly the same, except different names, and the opposite sex of course.
Summer came and James and Lena spent more time with one another, and
finally got to see each other in person. They met each other at Jays’ house
one day, and Leana’s heart dropped when she saw James for the first time.
She watched him play on the computer, just as he watched her that one day
after school. When it was time to go home, James gave Leana his school ID
and she said her goodbye with a warm embrace to James. They both blushed,
and that same unexplainable feeling took over the both of them. Leana knew
then what that long time feeling she had been feeling all those times was. She
was no longerin denial. She liked James. The first person she told was her
bestfriend Lae, who too knew James. She was shocked! Days later, James was
talking to Jay as he said,

“Hey Jay, I think I like Leana.”

“Really?! Wow, that’s cool.”

From that day on forward, only five people knew, Jay, Lae, Leana, James,
and god himself. And it was up to fate to lead the both of them to their
destiny. It had been a whole year, and Leana and James still didn’t want to
admit their feelings to one another. They knew what was up, but never took
the risk to admit it. Until Leana hinted him out what she felt.

“I’m suppose to tell you everything right, James?” she asked him.

“Duh! Why? You like someone huh?” he replied.

“Uh yeah..sorta,” she said.

“Who?” he asked.

“Well, he has the same background as you, about your height, your age, and
you know him very well. You see him everyday,” she hinted out.

James knew then what that meant. He felt the same, but was so afraid to
show it, because he never had a girlfriend in his whole entire life. He
knew it was him, and Leana was so relieved telling him. Day by day they
flirted every now and then and admitted their feelings in ways only they
could understand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~On October 11, 1996, James and Leana both officially started seeing
eachother. He was the most perfect guy you could ever meet in Leana’s eyes
to be exact. He was tall, handsome, caring, loving, and had a great sense of humor.
Just everything close to being perfect in Leana’s eyes. And his eyes, his
eyes were so warm, so sexy, so…WOW! And she was everything she thought
of him to James. Everyone said that they were the most cutest, and perfect
couple. And they were both so happy with one another. Everyone even thought
they’d get married someday. He did everything for, to, and because of her,
and she surely did the same for him. Their forgiveness, love, passion, and
care were endless for one another. These two were inseparable, and in love.
He always told her,

“You’re such a big baby…you and those big brown eyes of yours, and those
cute chubby cheeks…God I love you!” and kissed her lovingly on her lips.

“I love you too babe,” she’d always reply.

Two years passed, and James of course graduated and things began to change.
They got into many fights, and Leana began to feel the hurt inside, she
never ever felt before. James told her though, that throughout all this
negativity, he still loved her.

He took her hand one day, as she cried cold painful tears, and looked her
in her eyes and said,

“No matter what, through it all, this is it…there’s no one else but you.
I will always love you, and I will always end up with you..I promise,” and
wiped her tears away as he kissed her forehead gently.

James, began to change, and emotionally hurt her daily. Her sweetest and
most perfect man was slowly disappearing into someone she never knew. He
began to stop doing things for her, he stopped making her happy, and he
stopped saying sweet things. He stopped visiting her, and stopped calling,
and always chose his friends over her.

When they argued, he’d yell at her, hang the phone up on her, and leave her
with so much pain and nothing to do but cry. It was soon passed half a
year, and things gotten worse. When she tried telling him how she felt, he
just let it pass. He started lying about many things, and became so
unfaithful to her. He began to drink, which he promised he wouldn’t, and
hung out with his friends morning, noon, and night, and never had time for
her. James did things that his old sweet self would never do before. He
left her many times at home just crying, and didn’t even bother to see if
she was okay. Basically, Leana was in love with someone who seemed to not
love her back anymore. They were together alright, but didn’t seem like it
to Leana. It hurt to much inside, but because Leana loved him so much, she
never did let him go. She took the pain, and cried endless tears, and still
loved him through it all, while he was out breaking promises, and being
someone he knew he never was before. There never passed a day when Leana
didn’t think about him, worry about the relationship, wonder why he was the
way he was, or cried about the hurt. The pain he caused her scared her
heart deeper and deeper everyday. Her family was affected, her friends, and
even school. Everybody was worried about her. No one ever saw her smile
anymore, and if she did,it was only for a while. She hardly slept, and just
everything in her life fell apart. All because that one most perfect human
being who walked into her life, and who she loved so much, hurt her in ways
that could never be fixed. James basically left her out of his time, out of
his reach, and out of his life. He acted as if she wasn’t even his girlfriend.
She did as much as she could for him, though he didn’t see it, and
sacrificed her whole life for him. She did anything to make things work,
but he didn’t do much at all. She tried so hard to figure out what the
problem was, and why he hurt her so much.

“How can God give you the most perfect gift of your whole life to love, and
take it away as if it wasn’t yours to keep?” she asked everyday.

James became meaner and meaner, and it hurt her more and more. One day he
picked her up from school, and he was so different. She looked at him
slowly. His built was bigger, his lips…no smile, his voice so monotone,
and his eyes… She looked at his eyes through the rear view mirror, and
she began to cry. His eyes were so cold now, and that love, warmth, and
sweetness she use to see no longer existed. James wasn’t James anymore.
They didn’t speak a word that car ride home, and all she could think was

‘Why? Why was it like this now?’ She came home and cried her heart out.

All that played in her head was the days he always dropped by just to see
her, just to hold her. Now, he seemed as if he didn’t even want to hold her
anymore, touch her, or look at her. She blamed herself for all of this,
didn’t know why, but it just seemed like it was her fault. She lay in bed
that night reminiscing about the nights they laid together in bed, and he
held her close to his body, and never did let go. How she use to wake up
summer mornings, and he’d be smiling and watching her sleep till she got
up. Why was everything so hard now, and why did it hurt so much? She
remembered the sweet ring of his voice constantly telling her he loved her,
while they kissed, or just stared into each others eyes. She remembered the
days when he’d stroke her hair, and laid the most simplest, sweetest,
kisses on her lips. She remembered the days when he’d run all the way to
her house just to hug her tight, and she remembered the days when just
everything between them was so perfect. She cried helpless tears, and all
hope was just gone. She knew she was still so young, but regardless what
age she was, it still hurt. She felt that endless pain that shuts your
whole life and hope down. The point was, she felt it, and she didn’t know
how to make it go away. There were times where she’d think about leaving
him, but she imagined how worse the pain would feel knowing she lived a
life without him. Just as long as she knew she was his, and he was hers
made the slightest bit of feeling okay. Her tears fell harder, and her mind
began to shut down on her. All she could think was

“God I love you James! I miss your old self so much.”

One afternoon, James picked her up from school again. They were both
walking until Leana began to cry like usual.

“Why are you crying again damn it!” James yelled.

“Nothing…” she struggled to say.

“You know what I hate about seeing you all the time, is that you always end
up crying on me for no fucking reason! What the hell am I doing wrong now?
Shit!” he yelled again.

She tried to hug him tight, yet he resisted.

“I love you James, I’m sorry,” she cried.

“Yeah, whatever,” he coldly said.

James was so frustrated, didn’t know what he was thinking, didn’t know what
he was doing. A confusion of being with her or leaving her just rushed
through his head, as they walked towards the car. Suddenly, in the midst of
it all, a loud bang alerted them both. James didn’t know what it was. He
turned around to see if Leana heard it,

“Ey did you..NOOOOOO!” he cried.

Leana had been shot on her right side, as she lay bleeding, and gasping for
air on the street by James’ car. He ran overto her as everyone crowded
around.

“Fuckin’ call 911!” he screamed, as tears began to roll down his eyes.

“Babe are you okay?” he asked, holding her in his arms.

Leana slowly reached to touch his right cheek, as she looked himin his
eyes, and lightly smile.

“Babe, I’m so sorry if I did anything wrong to make us the way we are now”
she struggled to say.

“Leana don’t even say that, you’re going to be okay! God someone help!” he
cried.

“You hurt me a lot James, but I still continued to love you. Because no
matter what, through it all, that’s it, there’s no one else…no one else
but you,” she smiled, and coughed as she gasped for air.

She began to cry, and still the pain she felt within her heart still struck
her like always. Flashbacks of their times together rushed through her
mind, and she could hardly keep her eyes open,as her helpless body lay
strongly against James’ chest. James crying harder than ever looked down
into her eyes, hoping she wouldn’t die.

“Babe I’m so sorry for everything, God I love you! You cant leave, we’re
suppose to get married remember? Remember babe, I promised, this is it,
it’s you that I’m suppose to end up with. Babe remember?” he cried.

“I know I know,” she nodded her head slightly up and down, as her tears
began to mix with the bright red blood upon her body.

James held her tighter and closer to his body.

“God please no, don’t take her away from me..” he whispered.

Leana’s hand began to slowly drift away from his cheek, as she struggled to
keep her eyes open.

“I love you so much James, and I wish I could’ve made everything all
better. Everything I did, and every tear I cried..I did it all
for you…everything…I love you babe,” she said, “I don’t wanna go, but I
have to, and God knows I love you. We’ll be together again babe. Remember,
because you said, we will always be together. We will.” She said slowly as
one last tear rolled upon her cheek, and dropped slowly on James hand.

Her eyes closed, “I love you,” she whispered, and Leana had passed away.

“Noooo!!” James cried. “You cant go..” he rocked her back and forth, and
tried to wake her up.

“Babe? Babe? Wake up..c’mon Leana. Please please…we can work things out I
promise, c’mon babe, we’re suppose to get married babe, wake up! Babe?
Please…” he begged.

He closed his eyes and rested his head upon hers as endless tears continued
to fall.

“God I’m so sorry I didn’t take care of you babe, I’m so sorry,” he cried as
he kissed her forehead.

All James could do was cry, and hold her until the ambulance came. As they
put her on a stretch, and placed a white blanket over her head, it began to
rain. James went down on his knees and looked up into the sky and cried his heart out.

“I LOVE YOU LEANAAA!!!” he screamed.

“I love you,” he whispered one last time.

From that day on, James knew there was nothing else he could fix. His life,
his love, was no longer there. And all he could think about was her smile,
and that one day she lay in his arms dying. He will always remember her,
and will always love her…. Because this is it, it was her, that he chose to
love for life. You see, life is never forever, and things come only once.
You don’t know how long you’ll get to keep things, and you’ll never how
long you’ll get to live. But as long as you know you’ve got something in
your life you love,and cherish so much.. make the best of it. Because one
day, when you least expect it, you could lose the most important thing in
your life you set your whole future for. Take care of things while their
still small, and most of all take much care of the people you love. Because
one day, it just mightbe too late to take care of anything, or even see
them smile again. Trust me I know… some day we will be…because we
promised we would.

*~As Much As Many Wish, Nothing Lasts Forever~*Well, That story brings a tear to my eye, no litterally >.>;.. *sniffle* yeah but the last part that got me puzzled was why she got shot, i mean it came out of nowhere x.o;;;… well i think that James guy deserved it o.o;; he didnt deserve her after all that ^^;;; Annnyyyways, i wont prolong this goodbye any further xD or should i =x! ^^;;; ah well a small little thing wont hurt ^^ hmm like.. Having a mini conversation with conscience when i was tired… observe xD
Hope: meh i feel funny..
Chibi Hope: indeed, thats because you are tired
Hope: i am not.. X.x;;;
Dark Hope: dont listen to the runt, sleep is for the weak..
Hope: i dont know what to think anymore
Chibi Hope: Hey im not a runt, you shut up before i shove a kiwi down your throat!
Dark Hope: make me..
Hope: eh?…
Chibi Hope: Ugh!! T.T;;;!!
Dark Hope: Whimpy runt >.>;;!
Chibi Hope: how dare you!
Hope:.. whats going on here..X.x;;
Chibi & Dark Hope: Nothing…
Dark Hope: you know maybe she has a point you look weird, get some sleep =/
Chibi Hope: EXACTLY MY POINT! O.o;;
Dark Hope: Pipe down runt =/
Chibi Hope: omg, leave me alone!!
Dark Hope: whatever…
Hope:.. ok thats it im going to sleep…
Chibi & Dark Hope: Oyasumi ^-^! >.>;;;!
Hope: *Falls over asleep*

lol well ok then, thats all you get for today xD… O.o; Ja Ne! *Poofs*

Posted 8/25/2004 2:00 PM
*~Something Has Happened~*lol.. i just realized.. I havent posted stuff in a long long time xD omg it was about a month ago when i last posted lol… man thats great how my brain stops to think about something so simple as that cause i was too busy thinking of other things that actually are hard to notice and give me headaches >.>;… yeah anyways that was a random thought lol…
Posted 8/25/2004 2:31 PM
Sunday, August 29, 2004
*~Sometimes its fun to be a little Random~*I stole this from Gre-kuns xanga xD…

Your love is… by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is… Hope
Your kiss is… breath taking
Your hugs are… gentle
Your eyes… burn into my heart
Your touch is… the only thing I desire
Your smell is… exotic
Your smile is… encouraging
Your love is… unique
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Contrast
Dark shadow. Something has drawn you into darkness
in the past, and you’re now trying to get out
of it. The darkness is already inside you, and
getting it out will be hard, but if you try,
maybe one day you can be who you want to be
again. Don’t give in!!!Please rate ^^

What kind of dark person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Interesting, sounds like me =x….

*~Star-lit skys, Off i drift to the land of my dreams and desires~*Man im tired xD.. uhh, yeah i should sleep about now, i had to correct this sentence a couple times ._.;;; soo i should sleep. Oyasuminasai! =x Aishiteru Minna-San! xD uh yeah.. *Falls over to her floor and sleeps peacefully… kinda.. >.>;*

Posted 8/29/2004 2:29 AM

Lair of Memories – Archived Post May 22, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
add a comment
Saturday, May 22, 2004
*~Wonderous Mysteries Within The Mind~*I thought it would be interesting to put a dream i had hehe, ehehe i wanted to remember it and figure it out so it will be kind of easy access ^.^;;

*~Hope’s Weird Dream~*I believe it all started in a random place in my memories like most of my dreams usually do, If i can remember correctly it was in the old city i lived in, San Gabriel. It was strange because i was basically going to many different places but i was always near my old house. This time, the aura around my city was a bad one, and i myself was trying to be careful where i went but no matter where i turned i went into an area i didnt recognize, and that was always when i knew where to go. I believe i knew i was dreaming so it seemed like i was in a virtual world within my mind, i figured that out quite soon so it confused the people in my dream when they tried to convince me it was reality. Somehow i ended up at my school and it didnt seem right, at least it didnt seem familiar, since it was combined with my older school, Which can be very confusing o.o;; I found myself walking down the halls and ended up in the Lunch Room. There were many people there, it looked as though they were trying to get schedules of their classes, and a random person came up to me saying “Oh, you must be Hope, Here this is yours, you will need it” and walked off. What puzzled me was i didnt know them or ever saw them before and yet, they knew my name. Eh, that happened to me before but it isnt exactly pleasant. Well i looked at the schedule as i walked toward the large glass doors to get to the hall, just then i saw my old best friend Nina and waved to her. She too was surprised to see me and we walked down the halls together talking about random things as we always did. She asked me of my classes and i said i wasnt sure why i got classes myself when i wasnt even supposed to be in school. She blinked at me and told me she was confused as well since she was suppose to be at our older school (the one i went to before the current one) I told her i guess its ok just as long as we can stick together since i know where to go. Most of everything was different but seemed so familiar and i had a sense of where to turn. As we both stopped at this table, several people asked her questions and the bell just had rang. I happened to lose my Schedule and stuff so i had to back track, really who would want another persons schedule? Well i didnt find it and nina said she had to go before the last bell rang, so i said she could and i would continue to search. When it was almost reaching second period i gave up and tried to remember anything about the classes, but i couldent. So i just wandered around the school aimlessly and tried to hide from passing teachers which seemed as though they were guarding the schools exits. Though, its nothing i havent seen before, it just seems like they were guarding a little too much. I didnt really have any way to escape since the gates were alot higher than normal and werent the kind of gates that is easy to escape from, i knew i didnt belong here so i just had to find a way out.. somehow. After wandering for a unknown amount of time, the bell had rung and it was lunch time. I was still in hiding keeping a careful eye on the exits, it just didnt feel right here and everyone seemed different. When i finally saw that no one was around, i walked out of the school, when i looked behind me, the school wasnt lively.. as if it hasnt been lively for a long long time. Thinking about this for a while i couldent figure it out so i continued on, something was bringing me to to a certain direction. When i went down the street that didnt seem familiar at all, i ended up on the street of my old house and i gave a sigh of relief as i ran to it. Before i made it to my house i walked to my old neighbors house, knowing she wouldent be there i still went to look and remember. Suddenly the door opened and a person i never saw came out and lead me in. When i went inside it looked very different and larger than it seemed. More people apeared at stared at me, i asked “Um.. who are you..? and why do you want me here?” they didnt reply but lead me somewhere else. I, myself, wanted to get out of here and go see my old house, so i ran. I ran out the back sliding door as i remembered being there. Once i got out i blocked the door so they couldent get out but they just broke the glass. As i stood there blinking at the thought that they really wanted me, i started running again but this time down a secret path way behind all the houses, like i always did (yes that path way really was there and i did go down it when i was younger ^^;;.) I finally made it out of there and went to the front of my house and someone came out of the house next to mine. I was unsure who it was but she had a bicycle and seemed angry for some reason. I asked her a couple questions and she just smirked and rode her bike to my garage. I followed after her and noticed it was opened, i went inside and no cars were present just some of the old things i remember being in there, and my bicycle. So i grabbed my bicycle and went after her, she seemed to like that and take it as a challenge, what kind of challenge? i will never know, i just followed. She went across the street where this rather large family used to live, and believe me.. they were not pleasant. The strange thing about it was there was a guard dog there and no children running around like what i remembered. The front door was opened and a older man was sitting in a chair watching TV i believe and the girl i was following went into this persons back yard and somehow passed the guard dog. I was surprised and tried going back there because i thought she had gotten hurt, but the dog came after me and pushed me off my bicycle. As i fell it got a hold of my hand, almost crushing it within its jaws. I could feel the pain and just wanted to get out of this “virtual dream” ah, but as usual i cant wake up. Suddenly a cat came running and attacked the dog, messing it up pretty badly and it ran off. I looked at the cat and said thanks then it replied to me saying “Next time be careful, this is a bad place to linger” I blinked and looked at it with wonder. It said “Eh, sorry, i am that girl you saw, for some reason i cannot talk when i am human, but i can when i am a cat.. so dont worry” she made a strange face and continued, “Come with me, i believe you wish to enter your old house, am i right?” i nodded and followed as she ran off to my front door. As the door opened there were few things i recognized and i noticed there were so many phones lined up in a row, some had messages on them, and they were all the same phone. When i looked around everything seemed remodeled and new, but usually it isnt like that. I said aloud “How strange… usually when i am dreaming and see this house, everything is old and broken down.. but now, its like brand new and remodeled..” the girl/cat said, “What are you talking about? This is reality, not a dream… did you not feel that pain? its not quite normal for people to feel pain in dreams..” I replied,”But thats not true, i always feel things in my dreams, you cannot prove otherwise, that is unless you have a good reason..” She said,”Now wouldent that be hard.. how are you so sure this isnt reality? well that is… other than the fact that i can talk, You are aware only you can hear me right? its telepathy..” i replied once more with confidence,”Well of course this is a dream, yes telepathy can be a possiblity, but i knew i would never see my friends again, they live so far away.. Of course i would love it if i could see them again, and it does make me happy but that cant be true. The ultimate thing that makes this a dream is that.. This house does not exist anymore, i would never forget that. It was torn down after we moved out because they wanted to put more apartments.. Can you prove me otherwise?” She looked shocked and thought about it for a while as i walked around. The kitchen was so new i hardly recognized it, there was a new wash room, and my rooms door was different. Even my old room was remodeled and the closet was moved so the room could be extended. The funny thing was that the back room was still similar to what i remembered it, its just the ceiling fan was replaced with a beatiful crystal ornament with a light within it so when the light turned on the crystal would shine off a rainbow of colors and a very bright light. the back door was replaced with a nice glass door with lace curtains. The young girl/cat came up to me and said,”I..i guess you are right, there isnt anything i can counter to convince you otherwise. I guess i myself wish that dreams were a reality that i was deceived.. We should go back to reality.. I thank you for making me realize that. But now i must return to my own life” she nodded and began to disapear. I said right before she was completely gone,”Ah! dont forget me!!! I enjoyed this dream, i finally got to see something different and more positive.. I hope your life becomes more enjoyable than a dream itself.. Fairwell!” she left with a tear and nodded once then she was completely gone. Everything seemed to be changing a bit so i walked out the back door and saw a very familiar pathway. The same pathway i always happen to see at the end of most of my dreams, but this time it was a bit lit up rather dark. The new pathway blocked with a large red gate with a grand lock on it. The path behind the gate was a bit lit up instead of pure darkness, and the fence on the sides of the gate were made of a shimmering metal rather old eaten up wood. But as usual i cannot enter this pathway, for it seems i would need help to enter. But i will always remember seeing this difference, it enlightened me and gave me happiness. As i turned to look behind me, i myself began to disapear so i closed my eyes. And then… thats when i woke up x.x;;.. such an interesting dream i would like to remember.

*~Thoughts That Linger~*I could have added more details here and there in the school part but eh.. that wasnt the important part anyways, and besides i dont think anyone wants to hear about school XP especially me o.o;; hmm though.. still makes me wonder ^.^;;

Posted 5/22/2004 9:09 PM
Saturday, May 01, 2004
random… o.o;;

My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life’s not fair! It’s never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something’s gotta change. And it’s gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

but..but… i AM 16 X.x;; lol.. i guess that means im acting my age ^.^;;

feather2
You have a guardian angel no doubt about it. Even
though you haven’t exactly seen him, he’s
watching over you without-a-doubt.. who knows..
maybe it’s love?

would an angel, demon, or pure evil fall for you? (now w/ pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

o.o woo! that quiz was confusing ^.^;;

hope
You are an Angel of Choir! The ninth and final
order of angels according to the organization
of the celestial hierarchy as created by the
sixth-century theologian Dionysius the
Areopagite; the angels belong to the third and
final triad of choirs, with the archangels and
principalities, the primary focus of their
existence being the caretakership of humanity
and the world. While the lowest rank of all
angelic beings-if one accepts the idea of a
regulated angelic organization-angels are
nevertheless members of the heavenly host and
thus possess the profound and beautiful
attributes given to them by their Creator. They
are beings of pure spirituality and exist to
fulfill the tasks given to them by God. Chief
among these are to act as messengers of the
Lord to the Earth and guardians of the human
soul.
[LINK
REMOVED]

What Kind of Angel Are You? (Girls Only!)
brought to you by Quizilla

*blinks* interesting ^.^;;

Suicide
Suicide! (and you know it, so… dont u have
something to do?)

Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)
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O.o;;;… whaaaattt dont look at me like that x.x;;…

pure
Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most
of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but
Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure
Angels always appear when a child is born, when
a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their
first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear
in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold
wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

ah, a nice picture ^.^;;

ANIMAL
You have an animal soul! Arent you lucky! You are
very interactive with animals and can
understand them even if you dont speak their
tongue. The birds arent afraid of you, deer can
eat out of your palm, and every dog will roll
over for you. As an Animal Soul, you follow
your instinct, sometimes making rash decisions,
and not thinking properly. If you dont
understand something, you reject and push it
away, and can get very disastrous when angry.
At the same time, youre a very kind person who
can make people feel better, and are
understanding and compassionate. One of the
great things about you is that your rarely
jealous, and know that you have to share and
help other people if you want to survive this
world. You are very loyal and optimistic, and
can make it through the toughest times.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Woo, i love animals ^.^;;

okie thats it for now >.>;;

Posted 5/1/2004 6:26 AM

Lair of Memories – Archived Post April 14, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
*~A New Day Brings a New Dawn..~*
Well it has been quite a long while since i have said anything Nyeh? ^.^;; i guess you can say i am kind of silent, this post wont be as long as my others, at least i think it wont be ^.^;; Anyways, I am just kind of focused on everything thats going on right now, nothing too bad at all ^.^ Just trying to finish my minor school work and have a nice vacation relaxing for once o.o;; but i think i may get a laptop so i can bring it along on my vacation and have all my bookmarks of websites i like ^.^;;… ah i must at least try to say something here once in a while, ne? ^.^;; Well, i do like being around my friend “Airce” (i will keep her real name secret) She helps me alot even though she is a bit older than me ^.^ , in truth i think that she is really a good friend to have, just like all of my older friends, my Best friend, in which i wish i could talk to everyday again x.x;; but unfortunatly they are either busy or have moved on, which i dont really know for a fact u.u;;… But getting away from the sadistic torture for a bit, on the bright side i am quite cheerful. I dont know why i am, but i guess thats a good thing, ne? Hopefully things will get better for not only me but also my good friends ^.^ ….

*~A Little Help Goes A Long Way…~*


As much as it is, i am very stuborn and i know alot of you were trying to help me, though sometimes the way some people help is kind of a wrong way to aproach it.. **sigh** though thats alright, i apreciate the help though **nods** its nothing that bad, actually nothing bad at all, i just wish that some of my older friends came to see me once in a while to just ask how is everything. But i guess if they dont have the time to or they just cant, then that is fine. Some how i will live without the great advice of my older trusting friends, though it will be hard…

*~Just Plain Nonsense I Guess?…~*


Hmm on a nonsense note, I havent been up to much myself, other than like i said dealing with my school work. Other than that im usually on the internet or drawing or spending time with my friend Jennifer E. In which she is wanting to come over again sometime this week, and now that i think about it i forgot today is wed. O.o;; i have to call her soon because she probably forgot again ^.^;;… Ah but i still enjoy being around her even though shes a bit forgetful. Ah, wondering what is going on with my old friend Cassie too, missing the talks we used to have, and wanting to visit her just to see how she is. Though i dont want to step in the unknown and i hope she comes in contact with me soon before i go on my vacation… For once i get to go on a actual vacation out of this state, i am looking forward to seeing new things or more so, places i havent seen or visited before. ^.^ Im sure it will be fun…

*~There Comes A Time In Which Everyone Has To Leave…~*


Ah, After saying a little something, it is about time i went to sleep, or at least lay down and read or something x.x;;… but anyways.. I wish you all a good night and a good morning. I shall be on my way now, Ja Ne Minna-San..

Currently Reading: Di Gi Charat, Vol. 2
Posted 4/14/2004 10:42 PM

Lair of Memories – Archived Post March 3, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Wednesday, March 03, 2004
*~ The Time Has Come, Its Only Just Begun…~*
**sigh** yes I know I haven’t been writing much, a lot has been happening x.x;;… I shall explain in this moment… I guess I should tell everything by the months that have passed, I’m sure few are willing to sit and listen **nods** well here we go..

-January, 2004-
Well in the beginning of January, as usual there is school. Since I have been out for quite a while from sickness it was quite complicated to get me back in. We waited and negotiated and we reached a solution, since i am still sick and can get sicker, I can do all of my studies at home. I just go to school one day out of the week (or as often as I can) to gather and take/turn in work. Its pretty easy, if everything follows through I can take a test in April I believe and I will get my high school diploma, graduating early. After that I will have my long awaited Vacation, and all about my vacation is secret ‘.^ !*wink* Well anyways that’s what I have been doing through January. Surprising enough no one “Bothered” to call me to see what was wrong or if there was something wrong. Shows how much they care… Plus on top of that, one of my “Friends” (her name I will not mention) Told my personal information to a stupid idiot freshman (no offence to all freshman, I wish to conceal his name too because err I don’t know! I’m just frustrated with them so I don’t want to think of who they are -.-;; ) and when he got my personal information he called me and asked me a bunch of questions… besides that, that same friend of mine spread a rumor that I died, im not sure if it was a good or bad thing, maybe to have people leave me alone? Maybe to just rid of me for good from their lives because they used me? I can’t be for sure, but the fact that she told my personal information to others kind of doesn’t shine a light of glory upon her… -.-…. Other than the facts of being betrayed there really wasn’t much to speak of… Moving onward…

-February, 2004-
Hmm, well all I can say is that I was deeply depressed since this was a crazy month… Not only were things getting worse and no one cared to talk to me or tell me anything about what was going on, my grandfather ended up in the hospital. I was broken when I heard that because my grandfather was the only true father image I ever had in my life. He helped raise me and protected me, he always was there. And now I cannot even imagine loosing him… Even this soon, I still think he’s too young. I just really hope he doesn’t die… During this month things got worse within my family despite the fact of when I went to go visit my grandfather in the hospital with my mother. That was totally horrible as well. Basically when me and my mom found out about everything we rushed down there after we ate. We got lost and called one of my uncles for help because we had no idea where we were going or where we were at. Soon we finally made it to the hospital and everything seemed fine. But in reality not everything was fine, when my mom found out more to what happened to my grandfather she became enraged and was holding in her anger until the point she wanted to release it and to release it to a certain person, which would be my uncle Larry. Well my grandfather was worried of me and my mom going back home so late (since it was about 12am and the hospital is in San Diego {if you know where that is and where I live you would notice that’s pretty far away o.o;;;} So my grandfather tried to give me and my mother money so we could possibly stay at a motel or something. But as we both thought it to be wrong we both turned down the offer and said no. My grandfather persisted for the longest time and finally we got him to understand that we would be alright. After that we were stuck because we knew that we would have no place to stay X.x;; so we ended up staying in the car, which was kind of uncomfortable might I add. Once it was morning I had noticed I only got one hour of sleep and we were going back into the hospital. My Uncle Michael was there and offered to get us breakfast, and we accepted. That is when my mom told my uncle that my grandfather was offering us money and we “Didn’t” accept. He then told us that my uncle Larry took my grandfathers wallet so he wouldn’t loose it. Which kind of upset my mother because that shows my grandfather forgot and he always had a sharp memory. When we returned into the hospital a doctor came and told us that half of my grandfather’s heart was damaged, and we were quite shocked. My uncles said one thing after another to me and my mother about my grandfathers condition and how long it was left un attended to. First we were told it was 1 week, then 2 weeks, we were told from the doctor it was 3 weeks that he had not gotten medical attention and were unsure if he really was going to survive… After hearing that my mother was more enraged and was really going to go all out on my uncle Larry because it was really his fault for this whole thing to begin with. I personally couldn’t take much more of this and to me I saw that my uncles were pretty irresponsible and insane for leaving my grandfather in this condition for so long. That truly shows they don’t care nor love him… which does hurt me because its like they wanted him to die. But what reason could it be for? What do they even want from my grandfather, or rather what does my grandfather have that they may want… my grandfather doesn’t have much at all… and all he can truly offer is his love and care. He isn’t rich or poor but he only has a little bit of money coming in for him, so that couldn’t be why… I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t but I know I don’t even want to know, I am just curious about it. Once my uncle Larry arrived and acted all snobby and fake like he usually does my mom came it a bit after to tell him in a serious voice she needed to talk to him. Once they went out my mom went all out and yelled so loudly not controlling what she wanted to say or getting any quieter. After that was out of her system we both drove back home. A bit later we got a call from my uncle Mark that basically put my mother in the wrong by saying we were “Forcing” my grandfather to give us money. In which we were “declining” his offer, now that really pisses me off when my own family members are agenst me or my parents for something they didn’t even do because they know they did it themselves and needed to blame someone else, preferably weaker, so they wont be in trouble in their eyes. After all that they stopped calling and we are unsure how my grandfather is currently doing… which upsets me deeply… Other than the fact that I am also faced with more betrayal, this is the reason why I might not be around in the next couple of years, I might be alive and well or I might perish, who knows, only fate has the answer. I feel like I can give up on anything now because I have nothing to look towards or see as something I desire. I wouldn’t say I have given up on life, no, I haven’t but I feel as though life has given up on me. I would have nothing more to say about that but I can add in the message I left in Kairi’s Xanga.
“Good memories… I remember this song, makes me cry when I listen to it because I remember so many good and bad moments around the time this song came out… I am an illusion now, I haven’t been around much at all, i just slowly disappeared, I guess I did my part and I need to move on.. I’m going to be 17 this year… so unbelievable… even adding to all of my misfortune many people have died in my family, Sadly I may not be around in the next two years.. i might be married and living in another state… maybe another country.. So much in my past, I don’t wish to forget… may god bless my soul because if none of that works out i might perish.. I wish luck to you and many others kairi, you have brought light to my life and I appreciate it. I love you all… may I finally be at peace in life or death, which ever is my fate… **bows and fades off in the distance** Posted 2/25/2004 at 4:17 AM by Angel_Hopey_Sama “

*~Life is only an illusion in my eyes because it makes me one…~*
Well I guess I said all I could about what was going on, and I am unsure if I missed anything. But as I would say to everyone that knows me well, I will miss you all if or once I leave. All I can really do is try to keep in contact but there are many that I already know that wouldn’t keep contact with me… But there isn’t much I can really do about that now is there? They can go their own ways if they wish but there isn’t any use promising whether I may come back alive or not. I have faith in what may happen; even so I might be dead to many people already. So all I can say is what ever happens happens for the best, if my time is up, it’s up, and there isn’t much I can really do about it. Until I am able to write here once more, I will miss you all, even if you hate me. Sayonara for now, until I return once more. **she fades within a bright light and all that is left is once single feather**

Posted 3/3/2004 2:54 AM