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Lair of Memories – Archived Post March 3, 2004

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Wednesday, March 03, 2004
*~ The Time Has Come, Its Only Just Begun…~*
**sigh** yes I know I haven’t been writing much, a lot has been happening x.x;;… I shall explain in this moment… I guess I should tell everything by the months that have passed, I’m sure few are willing to sit and listen **nods** well here we go..

-January, 2004-
Well in the beginning of January, as usual there is school. Since I have been out for quite a while from sickness it was quite complicated to get me back in. We waited and negotiated and we reached a solution, since i am still sick and can get sicker, I can do all of my studies at home. I just go to school one day out of the week (or as often as I can) to gather and take/turn in work. Its pretty easy, if everything follows through I can take a test in April I believe and I will get my high school diploma, graduating early. After that I will have my long awaited Vacation, and all about my vacation is secret ‘.^ !*wink* Well anyways that’s what I have been doing through January. Surprising enough no one “Bothered” to call me to see what was wrong or if there was something wrong. Shows how much they care… Plus on top of that, one of my “Friends” (her name I will not mention) Told my personal information to a stupid idiot freshman (no offence to all freshman, I wish to conceal his name too because err I don’t know! I’m just frustrated with them so I don’t want to think of who they are -.-;; ) and when he got my personal information he called me and asked me a bunch of questions… besides that, that same friend of mine spread a rumor that I died, im not sure if it was a good or bad thing, maybe to have people leave me alone? Maybe to just rid of me for good from their lives because they used me? I can’t be for sure, but the fact that she told my personal information to others kind of doesn’t shine a light of glory upon her… -.-…. Other than the facts of being betrayed there really wasn’t much to speak of… Moving onward…

-February, 2004-
Hmm, well all I can say is that I was deeply depressed since this was a crazy month… Not only were things getting worse and no one cared to talk to me or tell me anything about what was going on, my grandfather ended up in the hospital. I was broken when I heard that because my grandfather was the only true father image I ever had in my life. He helped raise me and protected me, he always was there. And now I cannot even imagine loosing him… Even this soon, I still think he’s too young. I just really hope he doesn’t die… During this month things got worse within my family despite the fact of when I went to go visit my grandfather in the hospital with my mother. That was totally horrible as well. Basically when me and my mom found out about everything we rushed down there after we ate. We got lost and called one of my uncles for help because we had no idea where we were going or where we were at. Soon we finally made it to the hospital and everything seemed fine. But in reality not everything was fine, when my mom found out more to what happened to my grandfather she became enraged and was holding in her anger until the point she wanted to release it and to release it to a certain person, which would be my uncle Larry. Well my grandfather was worried of me and my mom going back home so late (since it was about 12am and the hospital is in San Diego {if you know where that is and where I live you would notice that’s pretty far away o.o;;;} So my grandfather tried to give me and my mother money so we could possibly stay at a motel or something. But as we both thought it to be wrong we both turned down the offer and said no. My grandfather persisted for the longest time and finally we got him to understand that we would be alright. After that we were stuck because we knew that we would have no place to stay X.x;; so we ended up staying in the car, which was kind of uncomfortable might I add. Once it was morning I had noticed I only got one hour of sleep and we were going back into the hospital. My Uncle Michael was there and offered to get us breakfast, and we accepted. That is when my mom told my uncle that my grandfather was offering us money and we “Didn’t” accept. He then told us that my uncle Larry took my grandfathers wallet so he wouldn’t loose it. Which kind of upset my mother because that shows my grandfather forgot and he always had a sharp memory. When we returned into the hospital a doctor came and told us that half of my grandfather’s heart was damaged, and we were quite shocked. My uncles said one thing after another to me and my mother about my grandfathers condition and how long it was left un attended to. First we were told it was 1 week, then 2 weeks, we were told from the doctor it was 3 weeks that he had not gotten medical attention and were unsure if he really was going to survive… After hearing that my mother was more enraged and was really going to go all out on my uncle Larry because it was really his fault for this whole thing to begin with. I personally couldn’t take much more of this and to me I saw that my uncles were pretty irresponsible and insane for leaving my grandfather in this condition for so long. That truly shows they don’t care nor love him… which does hurt me because its like they wanted him to die. But what reason could it be for? What do they even want from my grandfather, or rather what does my grandfather have that they may want… my grandfather doesn’t have much at all… and all he can truly offer is his love and care. He isn’t rich or poor but he only has a little bit of money coming in for him, so that couldn’t be why… I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t but I know I don’t even want to know, I am just curious about it. Once my uncle Larry arrived and acted all snobby and fake like he usually does my mom came it a bit after to tell him in a serious voice she needed to talk to him. Once they went out my mom went all out and yelled so loudly not controlling what she wanted to say or getting any quieter. After that was out of her system we both drove back home. A bit later we got a call from my uncle Mark that basically put my mother in the wrong by saying we were “Forcing” my grandfather to give us money. In which we were “declining” his offer, now that really pisses me off when my own family members are agenst me or my parents for something they didn’t even do because they know they did it themselves and needed to blame someone else, preferably weaker, so they wont be in trouble in their eyes. After all that they stopped calling and we are unsure how my grandfather is currently doing… which upsets me deeply… Other than the fact that I am also faced with more betrayal, this is the reason why I might not be around in the next couple of years, I might be alive and well or I might perish, who knows, only fate has the answer. I feel like I can give up on anything now because I have nothing to look towards or see as something I desire. I wouldn’t say I have given up on life, no, I haven’t but I feel as though life has given up on me. I would have nothing more to say about that but I can add in the message I left in Kairi’s Xanga.
“Good memories… I remember this song, makes me cry when I listen to it because I remember so many good and bad moments around the time this song came out… I am an illusion now, I haven’t been around much at all, i just slowly disappeared, I guess I did my part and I need to move on.. I’m going to be 17 this year… so unbelievable… even adding to all of my misfortune many people have died in my family, Sadly I may not be around in the next two years.. i might be married and living in another state… maybe another country.. So much in my past, I don’t wish to forget… may god bless my soul because if none of that works out i might perish.. I wish luck to you and many others kairi, you have brought light to my life and I appreciate it. I love you all… may I finally be at peace in life or death, which ever is my fate… **bows and fades off in the distance** Posted 2/25/2004 at 4:17 AM by Angel_Hopey_Sama “

*~Life is only an illusion in my eyes because it makes me one…~*
Well I guess I said all I could about what was going on, and I am unsure if I missed anything. But as I would say to everyone that knows me well, I will miss you all if or once I leave. All I can really do is try to keep in contact but there are many that I already know that wouldn’t keep contact with me… But there isn’t much I can really do about that now is there? They can go their own ways if they wish but there isn’t any use promising whether I may come back alive or not. I have faith in what may happen; even so I might be dead to many people already. So all I can say is what ever happens happens for the best, if my time is up, it’s up, and there isn’t much I can really do about it. Until I am able to write here once more, I will miss you all, even if you hate me. Sayonara for now, until I return once more. **she fades within a bright light and all that is left is once single feather**

Posted 3/3/2004 2:54 AM
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