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Lair of Memories – Archived Post July 20, 2005

Posted by Hope~Sama in Old Archived Posts(Xanga).
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Wednesday, July 20, 2005
*~Crazy days, Crazy times, Crazy thoughts, Crazy Minds..~*
As much as i wish that many things were much more simpler and easy, i just guess some things are ment to be taken harder and drawn out longer in order for one single simple event to pass. Sure it may be so drawn out it hurts and causes suffering throughout the time but i must say, its amazing to think about it once more and say, “Wow, i can’t believe that it took this much to get this far to where i stand.” It’s quite true, sometimes its going to leave an ungrateful or regretful feeling but i can say that most of the time its a Grateful and Glad feeling.

I just hope that within time, this suffering i took in and held onto on my shoulders and mind.., This terror that haunts me or at least did at one time each night, This whole crazy world in which is hard and so cruel; that which made me fall appart and feel so useless too, The fact that i stand strongly through this thick and thin rule. This life in which i wasnt able to call my own, to control in my own possession. For once to see the happiness and truth to life itself, And not believe in the fact that death was ever the answer. Why is it wrong to die? because there will be suffering and pain left behind for someone else~ In my mind it’s a sin to hurt others whether it would be physically or emotionally and especially mentally, If one were to die that would kill people inside even though it may seem its ok its really not~

I love you Grandfather, With all my heart, i miss you, i wish that there was more time. Unfortunately there was not, was there a reason why you didn’t make it to your heart surgery in time? maybe so.. Call it ironic, but i just wish that i had one last chance to see him. It kills me inside, he was the one in which whose raised me, the first to hold me when i came into this world aside from my mother. The first to teach me my first lessons in life while living with a cousin of mine, whom in my mind felt like a brother to me. My grandfather taught me so much and learned so much as well. I just wish, but sometimes Wishes are not good enough. I just wish that life was softer and more gentle to me. If it isnt one thing its another, And as far back as i remember there is a reason for every event that occurs. I just guess in this one it means i should become more independant now, Become more of a woman, Because thats what my grandfather would have wanted. He always said i was going to grow up to be something special, something meaningful, someone who will change the world. Call it dramatic but i want to make him proud and i wanted him to believe that with all his heart, and in my prayers i will hope that my destiny down the line that i create for myself does help me go somewhere in my life.
Thank you, for your support, for your love, for you are the true meaning of “Family” to me, and always will be~
It saddens me that you wont be around for my 18th birthday, i wanted to show you how much i have grown up to be, to make you proud. But i guess.. you already were proud, and in that i am thankful for everything you brought into my life. You will not go on forgotten, i will always remember.. Always~

All thoughts within my world~
Crazy Days, Crazy Times, Crazy Thoughts, Crazy Minds;
In all my life, I had been believed in and trusted,
In all my life, I had hoped for something more,
Trust and worthwhile, Something that was the majority of my thoughts,
Not all of it will come pass as we all hoped.
All in which that i had once believed in,
It was those who stood by me to reasure me that it was truth,
I will never forget those times of remenisence,
For those are of which that mean to me the most.
Many times throughout my life i come across segmented thoughts,
If only life was not so hard and cruel as it seems,
I wish that suffering wasnt the majority of emotions,
I wished that life was softer to me.
Even now i have similar feelings but i can say more as of that now,
Though now that i am older it is a bit different,
And i want to grow and continue to from here and beyond.
I will take those lessons in which i were taught,
I will cherish the moments that came and that were in drought,
I will stand strong and continue to walk onward through my life,
I will do what is right and follow my heart within the guiding light.
In all this that i say to everyone now,
I thank you all and i hope my thoughts will travel far,
For the lessons i learned cannot be learned very easily,
But with others you trust it will come and go with less suffering.

Happy Birthday, within the next couple of weeks~
Happy Birthday indeed. I may feel nothing different but i do know one thing, That me becoming 18 will change almost everything.
Thank you, for those who believed and me and kept me alive. I will continue my walk on the long road of life, but i will not be alone. I will not shun people away now, i will not give in, I will stand strong and continue onward, with pairs of hands around me to help. This time around i think that i wont keep everything to myself. I think for once in my life, i will actually ask for help. <3~

Currently Watching: X – One (TV Series, Vol. 1) – With Series Box
Posted 7/20/2005 11:59 AM

” Hopey I’m so proud of u ^-^!!! I also believe ur thoughts and so u HAVE reached someone ^^ From ur writing, I call tell that u have grown up. U’ve learned more things and ur starting to understand y things r the way they r. Ur beginning to see some sunshine radiating thru the dark forest. Ur reaching out to it, not shedding it away because ur afraid of wat will happen when u reach it. “Why is it wrong to die? because there will be suffering and pain left behind for someone else,” I agree and I also hope that others will believe this too. There’s so many out there, depressed and alone in their problems. I hope they can see this, for it’ll help them move on. “He always said i was going to grow up to be something special, something meaningful, someone who will change the world.” U may not realize this but, u really r soemthing special and meaningful. Wat u say really does reach out to others and will inspire them to be something better. I say this because, u have inspired me Hope ^^ It is such heartfelt writings like this that reach out to me and build the confidence in me. Little by little, others will also turn toward and reach out to the iridescent light. With each of ur writings… u will slowly but surely start to change the world. I am blessed to have met someone like u ^^ ur a great friend and person. I’m sure ur grandpa’s VERY pround of u ^-^

Yours Truely,
Christie aka Kairi n.n-v

Posted 7/26/2005 2:43 AM by AzNWiNtErGrLkAiRi

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