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A feeling of exhaustion May 27, 2011

Posted by Hope~Sama in Cafe Lounge.
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When you feel like you can’t press on anymore.. do you still try?

Currently Feeling..:

..Like there is no improvement

I really don’t know but from the looks of it i’m really not recovering too well, as i’ve mentioned before i began having breathing issues and when it seems like its getting better it all of a sudden decides to get worse. I almost feel like i’m losing my will to keep pressing on because i don’t like how this feels. I just i dunno wish i could see others encouraging me more, maybe a reason to fight through this till the end. I know i’ll be alright but the time its taking for me to recover is ridiculously long.. i suppose that’s what is getting to me now. A distant memory of back in 2004 i think it was, when i nearly died from severe anemia and i was naive about the entire situation. I admit it was pretty stupid to keep pressing on until i started having major dizzy spells and couldn’t even support myself anymore.. but to be honest i just didn’t want to burden anyone else. I have always felt i was a big burden or caused alot of burdens to those who were really close to me, which caused me to shy away from people when i need the help most. To be honest i feel like i still have that bad habit and its pretty hard to break, especially since i really don’t like causing problems for the people i cherish.

I feel like this is going to take a lot longer than i hoped for really. Aside from attempting to take care of my body through natural means and keeping myself from sleeping too much (Because seriously, i’m sleeping way too much.. and it has to be too much since i’m recognizing it as a problem)  i’m not sure what else i can do. I haven’t been too active for the past i guess 2-3 weeks due to this fatigue i’m having with short breaths constantly. I know i had asthma when i was younger and this does feel like back then. To top it all off i suppose.. i’ve been super stressed out with all this nonsense going on around me its driving me crazy, i just want a little peace… that’s all.

Aside from that thought on my health i would like to point out that thoughts still race through my mind and i’m still tied down to certain things, i honestly don’t think that is ever going to change. I still love, cherish, think of, worry about, pray for, and hope for things regarding ‘him’. (i hope hes still looking out for me despite my absence) I did not want this uncalled for absence to happen especially at the time it did, i just i don’t know…. i want so much but i know.. i know the results. I’ll be sitting in a pool of my own tears before i get any of my dreams to come true and that has been proven time and time again ever since i was a child. Maybe i have too high of expectations, maybe i don’t, or maybe people don’t believe i can achieve those dreams so they don’t encourage me or support me to do so. What ever the reason may be i just want to be able to get the simple things accomplished. I don’t ask for too much or hope for too much i’m usually content with the small things but when i’m pushed in a corner and forced to do things another persons way because they don’t like my way then i just feel a little bit lowly. I know this probably sounds confusing because i’m referring to quite a few things with this thought but i just needed to get it out either way, maybe someone will understand and be able to share their thoughts with me. A moment is all it takes i suppose.

Also, it might seem like i’m fairly active but in reality i’m really not. I wish i was though… really do.

All my feelings and as i write down my thoughts into a melody from the heart, they become the symphony of my mind, heart, and soul. Poetry speaks words that i normally cannot, it is my emotions crying out with the true feelings hidden within.

“These tears… So beautiful.. Eternal droplets of crystal that shine..
They deceive even the most clever of eyes, As they are truly made of torment and agony.
No one can see them as they are, blinded by that flawless smile..
Ignoring the scars and torture of the heart that it hides so well.”

My true feelings and thoughts expressed through my mind filled with sadness, i can only hope to feel the slight taste of true happiness some day soon.

-sigh- Ok i feel a bit better now that i’ve gotten all of that off my chest, I’ll continue thinking of you. Thank you for existing.

With love,

Hope ♥

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